Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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