My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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