Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
