Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
don't judge my taste in strippers
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
