I cannot find my penis.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
