I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I cut my penus on the lid.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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