i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
