it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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