So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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