Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
