either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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