I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
