a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm like, not good at living.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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