Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
