So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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