so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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