I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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