How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
