fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
