So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
