i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
