She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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