I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
