im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
