My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
