i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
