Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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