How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
