i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
