he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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