if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
this hospital has no fireball
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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