so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
