seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
