Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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