you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
