im six kinds of drunk right now
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
