As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
