She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
