Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
