the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
