His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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