I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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