I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
