She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
