you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
