Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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