So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I pour the whiskey from now on
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
