I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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