dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
