I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
