Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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